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March 25th, 2009
12:28 am - Back Online
I have to say I hate computer problems!!! I am back online and doing much better. Things are good and I am almost caught up with my 2YN classwork. Very stimulating and I am thinking that my first thoughts were right on, that I needed to go along with some of my other books that I am writing and put them to the same sort of assignments, if you will.
Definitely a couple of these made an impact, especially with some of my other stories that I felt I was stuck on. I have a horrible finishing rate. I start off well, I do a good job halfway through, but when I get stuck, I have a hard time figuring out the right solutions to fit where I want the story to go.
Just wanted to cry out how happy I am that finally I am here and able to get on FM again and get going.
Current Location: Living Room
Current Mood:  relieved
Current Music: Jason Mraz
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February 24th, 2009
01:47 am - My Messy Life
So I haven't gotten to my 2YN for three weeks. It is driving me crazy that I have fallen behind. Then I cower behind a book or two that I read so I don't have to think about screwing up, and well, I sleep extra during the day when my kids are in school, mainly because of insomnia. So I don't have a lot of time left before they get home to get the things done I want to. Also then chaos ensues, and the whole fight to get them to do their chores, homework, whatever else I need them to do go on and on and on. Never ending. No wonder I am not getting anything done.
One good note. I am spending more quality time with Bri, my daughter, which is a great thing. She used to just want to sit glued in front of the TV and I couldn't get her to do much at all, other than whine, scream, rant and rave about what she didn't want to do. So I sat here tonight feeling sorry for myself, and yes, I know it is early morning, but still night to me, anyways!! So I sat here feeing like a big piece of crap and wondering, if I am such a great and prolific writer, how has it come down to I can't even complete assignments, much less do any on the side writing??? I felt like I was not just letting me down, but everyone around me. I don't work. I stay at home because I am disabled, so I already feel inadequate just for being alive, being a burden and that really isn't going to change, at least not any time soon. However, if I actually felt I was in control of my life, wouldn't that make some sort of difference? I thought so. Then I had a small epiphany.
I was reading my writing goals. At the top of the file I had written down some of the rules to live by that I had when I was a senior in high school.
Yes they are crazy. Realize I was and probably still am a bit loony, however these made me laugh when I realized how silly I used to be. How much I used to laugh, even make fun of myself, and how I didn't really seem near as depressed as I do now.
Anyways, there is only one that hit home, but I think reading the others made me be able to absorb what I was really trying to say in the last one, so I will list them all.
My rules to live by: 1. Stop sounding like a goat, you toad! 2. Write that down. 3. Leave me to my strangeness! 4. Go ahead and stick everything in the box. 5. If at first you don’t succeed, change the rules Number five is one that I jokingly put on there and right now is the one that is affecting me the most with my epiphany. I have always been told there is a certain way to succeed at life. A certain brand of sameness, cleaning a certain way, doing things just so and I have always or at least lately failed miserably at most of them. Becoming disabled really didn't help matters, however, I can't blame it all on that. My internal make up, the person I am sort of shut down and went into helpless mode. I stopped thinking I could ever succeed. I still dreamed about it, but more as a daydream, rather than something that could ever be really accomplished. When I say succeed, I mean succeed at ANYTHING. Mothering, being a wife, cleaning my house, helping my kids with their schoolwork, being an artist, writing, singing, doing anything of any value at all. Other people still believe in me, I don't know why, but they do. THEY have been what has seen me through this last couple years. My epiphany in all of this is....
I don't have to do this someone else's way. I have to live my life successfully, my way, by my standards. Are my standards high? Impossibly so. Should I lower them? I have no idea. That would be like aiming for the mud and hitting it, instead of aiming for the highest star and merely reaching orbit. You're still in orbit, right? Not down wallowing in the mud? I set impossible goals for myself this year. Why did I do that? Maybe because somewhere inside I have always known I can succeed. Whether by someone else's standards or not. Then again, maybe I am expecting too much and giving myself false hope so I can crash down to earth again and wallow some more in self pity because I failed again.
Did I ever mention the two things I am most afraid of??? Failure is one of them. Success is the other. Oh and pain. I am afraid of pain too. I guess that makes three. The pain is an ongoing thing. I have a chronic pain disease. The fear came after the disease, so it is an ingrained fear, but then aren't they all? Okay, enough for now. I have decided this week is my week to catch up on 2YN. Also, I decided if I need to nap during the day, it can be after I get some stuff accomplished, rather than going right back to bed.
I know I am rambling, however it helped me...*grin*. That's what counts, right?
Number one is really me telling myself that I shouldn't be a sheep, a follower, doing things mindlessly out of habit, fear, or the need to fit in and not be noticed. I didn't really like being noticed that much at that age. Number two was something I always religiously did anyways, so it was something that was like breathing. Do I do it like I used to? No. I do not keep a journal and write my thoughts out as I used to. That is one of the reasons I signed up here. Maybe to get myself going again. However I had a couple bad experiences where people I loved and trusted read my journals and threw it in my face. Those were my thoughts, private and no one should have read them, and if they did, they should have kept it to themselves!!
Number three is there for me to remember that no matter what anyone else says about me, I am fine the way I am. I don't need to change just because someone else thinks I do. Only if I think I need to. Otherwise, my strange, quirky ways make me who I am.
Number four is probably a testament to my impatience. I found as a younger person, that lumping everything together to be sorted out later was easier than going through it all at once. Now I find, that perhaps my perspective was a bit skewed. However, even though I think that now, I still find that is the way I deal with things, whether my emotions, other people, cleaning, paperwork, I am not very organized and tend to hurry through things and then go back and look at them later, which makes my life twice as hard. I don't know why I still do this. It reminds me of another rule I have heard of. If I don't learn from history, I am destined to make the same mistakes over and over. Ugh. I don't want to do that. Which takes me to the fifth rule..
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January 21st, 2009
03:36 pm - Just stuff
I have to get going to take my kids to Karate. I am taking my laptop with me though. I figure this way, I have no excuse. While they are learning their katas, I can be writing. What a concept. I know everyone takes their laptops everywhere, however I am pretty protective of mine. The whole plugging into something with a surge protector handy scares the crap out of me. Not gonna do it. So I will only have two hours or so of laptop time as that is about how long my battery lasts.
No I am not getting an upgrade to a new laptop any time soon. My husband is a techie... he works on computers, anything hardware, most software. He is Mr. Amazing where computers are concerned, so though my laptop is an older model, it is in tip top shape and I love it.
Okay, if I got rich yes, I would buy a new one. *grin* However I don't see that happening any time soon.
So I dreamed up this crazy fight scene this morning while still dozing before the alarm went off, and I can se it clear as day. I am wondering what book to use it in. It is between a man and a woman and she is intent on kicking his butt and he is intent on not letting her, and probably putting her in her place, but can't get an edge in.
They end up in a draw and slightly amused. It was a good dream. I wish there was an aikido class around here that didn't charge an arm and a leg.(there's only one...and it is way more than my kids Karate classes. For my kids I pay 150.00 for my twelve year old, and 130.00 for my seven year old. They love it and I like how it makes them behave and listen. Works out well for all of us. By the way, both my kids have been diagnosed with learning disabilities, so this seems to help them focus better as well.
I want to make salmon tonight, and use up the rest of the rice and make a salad. That really sounds good. Maybe some spinach as well. Would you believe my twelve year old son's favorite veggie is spinach??? My daughter is a little more picky. She likes broccoli with cheese.
I saw this ad that said that the veggie most toddlers eat is french fries....is that not screwed up>?? I never counted french fries as a veggie anyway. For me, if it is fried it loses any value or nutritional content. Sorry I have bounced all around in this entry...not really paying attention, just writing about...stuff.
Current Location: My bedroom
Current Mood:  complacent
Current Music: Blue October-Calling You
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January 20th, 2009
06:12 pm - Writing Goals
So I figured I would post my writing goals over here as well as on Forward Motion, that way they can stare me in the face everywhere I go. he he he. I want to be realistic about my goals, however I still feel like I made so many I am freaking myself out here. That is okay. I freak out a lot.
WRITING GOALS
1. I want to write or work on some part of writing, whether world-building or characters or something everyday for about an hour each day. I am going to set a word goal of 100 words a day, mainly because if I don't, I will just keep world-building and not actually work on what I am writing some of the time, and I want to concentrate on getting something down on the page each and every day. Since I can't sit down and write "only" 100 words, ever, this is a good thing.
2. I want to take and stick with the 2YN classes all year, on top of the goal of writing for an hour, so if it turns into two because of the classes, I am fine with that. I would eventually like to get the books. Maybe I will plague my hubby for them for my B-day.
3. I want to do a lot more research reading. (Including some of the classics I have been meaning to read, as my high school did not require us to do much reading in that department.) I tend to write from the hip and then have to fix things later, because I never researched in the first place. I would rather not have to fix things. This last year has been almost primarily reading for pure pleasure and escape. While it was nice, I realize I really didn't learn anything new to do with writing and I can't do that to myself again this year. If you aren't moving forwards, you are moving backwards.
4. Go back to writing for the Elftown Herald. One to Two articles every two months. It helps as far as doing more research goes. This could be a good avenue in which to start researching more things.
I put this here because I want to do it. However, I don't know how realistic this one is.
PROJECTS----
-----I want to finish four projects by June 30th.
1. My EverDark Sonnets. I only have two left to write. It has been two years. I can't believe it. It feels like yesterday. I need to get on these.
2. My 2007 NaNo Novel needs to be finished and edited. I basically know what I want to happen and am about five to eight chapters away from finishing and if I write everyday, I should be able to do this within a month if not sooner. Once edited, I want to actually send it out.
3. Finish my 2008 NaNo Novel. I have no idea exactly what the finish will be but I am halfway there. Once edited, then send this out as well.
4. The Haiku challenge. I wrote fifty haikus last year and had a great time doing it. I want to do it again this year.
-----My goals for July Through October 30th are a little less clear and are as follows:
1. I am writing a fantasy saga (The Daengaard Chronicles) and have outlined seven of the books and done quite a bit of world-building, and mapping and such. I have actually written on three of them for NaNo, but never finished any of them. I want to begin working on this project again. I get so caught up in NaNo each year, I always put this aside and then don't work on it for most of the year. Then I get going again around the middle of August and November is really right around the corner.
I want to stick with it, even through NaNo this year, even if I work on it for only 30 minutes each day, that is good enough.
Also, after a crit on the first chapter, I am redoing portions of it because it was from the wrong point of view. This sort of started a hold up that has been going on for far too long.
2. This is an echo of above. I have another Fantasy Novel that really isn't outlined much at all, but is pulling at me. (The Ahvarrian Lands) I would like to work on this as my alternative work, since I like to have two going at once for when I get stuck.
3. Be more active on the crit boards as well as submitting my own. I tend to let fear of both rejection and acceptance rule me.
4.Write more poetry and journaling. I know this sounds so simple, but I have really slacked on writing poetry over the last year. Other than the Haiku challenge, I only wrote two, maybe three poems the whole year, which is so different for me. Poetry has always been an outlet for me, and so has journaling and I haven't done much of either over the last year. Instead I have been bottling up a lot of frustrations and I think it would be healthier for everyone if I wrote more.
-----My goals for November 1st, through December 31st.
1. NaNoWriMo. Maybe try for 70,000 words this year?
2. Keep writing my fantasy novel while doing NaNo; no procrastinating.
3. Finish and edit My NaNo Novel in December. Get it ready for submission.
4. Get my Christmas Letter written. I haven't caught up with so many people. We moved, kids are way older and it is just weird to think I have been out of contact with friends for so long, so this year I want to do the big Christmas/Holiday letter and include a family picture. Most of my family lives on the west coast, and I live in the east, so for me this is a big thing. Sounds simple, but I have wanted to do this for two years running and just haven't. Maybe if I put it here, I will actually do it. *smile*
Current Location: Living Room
Current Music: Children acting crazy
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05:57 pm - 2YN
So I have been spending a lot of time over on Forward Motion for writers, trying to jump start my writing career. I have been a writer for my whole life, just about, but have I been a published writer? Nope. Not unless you count poetry submitted to poetry dot com, which is a scam.
So I am taking Zette's class called 2 Year Novel. I am excited about it. I am also impatient as hell, and ready to do it all at once, but at the same time, I realize that is how I burn myself out most of the time on a story. Also, I think I over outline, which leads me to feel there is nothing left to discover in the story, therefore, haven't I already written it, even if it is still in outline form?
So hopefully this will help me a lot. I am still going to work on other things that need doing. I wrote down a bunch of my goals over at the goal workshop on FM. I will probably write them down here, but I am wary of whether or not I will be able to accomplish them. Some are quite simple. Others are ones I really want to start now, but have slotted for later in the year. Does that mean I should make them for now and put others later? For me, since the stories I really need to work on first are the ones closest to being finished, that is how I organized my year. Of course, the ones I want to work on right now are the ones that are slotted for later. Am I being a masochist? I have no idea.
I do plan on getting the books Zette wrote for the classes. There are two of them and are probably like ten bucks each. I am excited and scared at the same time, but then, I figure this whole last year I was lazy when it came to writing, except during NaNo. NaNoWriMo was great. I won, which means I reached 50,000 words, but I didn't finish my book. Same with last year. I didn't finish that book either. Why keep writing in NaNo, if I never finish the stories I begin? So I decided that for the first part of this year, I am going to work on my two NaNo novels and my EverDark Sonnets that I am writing.
Next part I will work on my fantasy sagas, and in between it all I will still do the 2YN novel, which is a young adult fantasy. At least that is where it is going right now.
Current Location: Living Room
Current Music: none
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January 14th, 2009
05:13 pm - Forward Motion, NaNoWriMo, and other writing ventures
So I love to write. I write in NaNoWriMo every year. If you don't know what it is, go to www.NaNoWriMo.org to find out. It is National Novel Writing Month. You write 50,000 words in 30 days basically. Is it hard? Yes, only because of the fact that I don't do it every other day of the year, unlike some people I know who do write that much all the time. I also belong to Forward Motion for Writers. Help in getting your butt moving so that you actually accomplish what you want, writing wise. For most people that includes starting, finishing, editing and sending out of manuscripts. I am still not finished with anything of substance yet. At least not happy with said finishes enough to count them anyways.
I can see the finish in my head, I just get to a certain point and everything else is more important to do, sleep included. I think more than anything it is fear. Fear of failure, sure, but even more so, Fear of success. I am anonymous, and without anyone interfering with how I choose to lead my life. Which by the way, isn't going quite as well as I might wish it would at the moment. I probably will not put anything on here that is close to being finished writing for me. First time publishing rights and all that. However, somethings I may put here, especially things that are on my other web page. I hardly go there anymore, however it is still there.
I love fantasy, science fiction, probably any kind of fiction that tells a good story. Even non fiction if it has readability.
Whom have I read recently?
Kate Neville's Eight was really intriguing.
I am rereading the Coldfire Trilogy by C.S. Friedman. I can never get enough of it.
I read Twilight. It was good, so I went and bought the other three novels. I read them. I felt like the story wasn't over at the end, or that there was something left out at the end. It didn't feel finished. I don't know if that was how Stephenie Meyer wanted it to be or not.
Lately I have been taken over by TV. I hate TV, so for it to take me over is really a big thing. However this season there are several shows on that really grabbed my attention. They are Legend of the Seeker, Fringe, Eleventh Hour, The Mentalist, and NCIS, though I had watched that before sometimes.
I love CSI, however I never keep up with it, just watch the reruns as well as the Law and Order ones when nothing else is on.
Does anyone else hate that American Idol pushes everything off to the wayside when it comes on? Like four different channels that I get have it on. I hate that. I don't hate American Idol. I am more apathetic to it. I think it is totally rigged, just like every other reality show out there. Well, I guess by that comment you can guess that I am not really a fan of reality TV. Real World was as close as it came for me to watch it and actually enjoy it, and now it is just a big who can act like the biggest idiot on most of these shows. Survival is nothing more than a popularity contest and reminds me of high school. I hated that part of high school. I find that part of humanity as... not very human. People should be taken for what is inside them. The pretty girl shouldn't just be counted on as the pretty one. She has more to offer and probably could kick butt if she really wanted. Jocks could be sensitive if they felt it wasn't nerdy, then again, I am a woman and have a natural propensity to thinking jocks are natural born aholes... so maybe not. I wasn't miss popular at school, but I wasn't unpopular. Most knew me by face. I found I was more popular than I thought only after I got out of high school. When there I figured I was pretty anonymous. I liked it that way. It's weird to find out the homecoming king had a crush on me later on, when there was nothing I could do about it. Plus I was unhappily married when I found out. Awkward. Nah, I am not the cheating kind, even if I wanted to be. Loyal to a fault.
Current Location: The Living Room
Current Mood: complacent
Current Music: None
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kaeirdwyn's journal